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'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
So I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.
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Santa Claus Training
Watch a Video of Santa Claus Training Boot Camp
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Courtesy of: Sempertoons.com
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Advice from the Fruitcake Lady
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Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back
yard and having a gin and tonic along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This
happened to me after particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, "Why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for
their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends
and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a
tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I
asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is
different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for
now, I have to finish your lawn."
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN
YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE
SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5 . A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING
OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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Our Troops in
Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor
with the following:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You
refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your
cave."
10. You have nothing agains't women and think every man should own at
least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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Two young
boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded
to the checkout counter.
The man at
the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight,"
the boy replied.
The man
continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy
replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my
brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to
swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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Why you shouldn’t let men play with action figures!
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